Thursday, July 30, 2009


"I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting,
I spent my life on much less than what I dreamed,
But I'm reaching out to you to make me new.
'Cause I am just a beggar here at your door,
I am just a shipwreck here on your shore
I come empty-handed ready to see
Your life for me changing who I've been
To who I need to be..."
--"Shipwreck" by Starfield

Currently Reading: "Daisy Chain" by Mary DeMuth
Songs I'm Loving (at this moment): "Fields of Gold" by Lisa Kelly (Celtic Woman)
"Shipwreck" by Starfield
"Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns
"Who Am I" by Casting Crowns
Books I Want to Read: "Informed Consent" by Sandra Glahn
"The Abolition of Man" by C.S. Lewis
"The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis

I love the summer. Without classes in the way and schoolwork to worry about, there is just a little more time than usual to focus on important matters -- spiritual growth, fellowship, fun times...

Admittedly, I have been worried about the future. I'm wondering what will happen after senior year, what I should do this senior year, etc. Before, when I worried so incessantly not too long ago, I would try to remember Matthew 6:33-34 --

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Now I noticed that to avoid worry, or deal with worry, I don't reflect or meditate but rather I plunge headlong into certain actions as a way to hedge that field. It's nearly the end of July, which means August is coming, which also means school will be started in less than four weeks. I signed up for my classes, and I'm still pondering certain academic decisions. I used to not like seeing things so clearly ahead. What am I talking about? I still don't like not being able to see what's coming.

Going off of the Myers-Briggs, I'm an extreme "J." According to the Facebook application test I took a long time ago, my "J" level was at 87%, which is extremely high. I'm not defining my character/personality by this psychological test, because I know these tests are questionable in its accuracy and our charater is much more than some kind of test that we take. However, the result hardly surprised me as I realized how inflexible I can be to change and how much I enjoy residing in my purported comfort zone. I could claim that I can be spontaneous, but that's just another way of me saying that I like spontaneity as long as I know it's coming. That's not spontaneity. That's called control. I like a schedule and everything planned. I so desperately want to know what's going to happen because I hate worrying. Not knowing makes me worry, and it brings about anxiety.

So I come back to Matthew 6:33-34. Then there is also James 4:13-14 --

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

How true does this speak of life in general? I should make wallpapers of these verses or something so I will always see them and remember them whenever I look at my computer. Then I can remember that life is short, and it's unpredictable. Worrying is fruitless and it takes away the much needed time we have on Earth. If we could abolish pointless worrying, the accumulation of those extra minutes could make all the difference.

1 comment:

Jenny said...

I love "Shipwreck" too! =)