Shipwreck

"I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting,
I spent my life on much less than what I dreamed,
But I'm reaching out to you to make me new.
'Cause I am just a beggar here at your door,
I am just a shipwreck here on your shore
I come empty-handed ready to see
Your life for me changing who I've been
To who I need to be..."
--"Shipwreck" by Starfield

Currently Reading: "Daisy Chain" by Mary DeMuth
Songs I'm Loving (at this moment): "Fields of Gold" by Lisa Kelly (Celtic Woman)
"Shipwreck" by Starfield
"Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns
"Who Am I" by Casting Crowns
Books I Want to Read: "Informed Consent" by Sandra Glahn
"The Abolition of Man" by C.S. Lewis
"The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis

I love the summer. Without classes in the way and schoolwork to worry about, there is just a little more time than usual to focus on important matters -- spiritual growth, fellowship, fun times...

Admittedly, I have been worried about the future. I'm wondering what will happen after senior year, what I should do this senior year, etc. Before, when I worried so incessantly not too long ago, I would try to remember Matthew 6:33-34 --

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Now I noticed that to avoid worry, or deal with worry, I don't reflect or meditate but rather I plunge headlong into certain actions as a way to hedge that field. It's nearly the end of July, which means August is coming, which also means school will be started in less than four weeks. I signed up for my classes, and I'm still pondering certain academic decisions. I used to not like seeing things so clearly ahead. What am I talking about? I still don't like not being able to see what's coming.

Going off of the Myers-Briggs, I'm an extreme "J." According to the Facebook application test I took a long time ago, my "J" level was at 87%, which is extremely high. I'm not defining my character/personality by this psychological test, because I know these tests are questionable in its accuracy and our charater is much more than some kind of test that we take. However, the result hardly surprised me as I realized how inflexible I can be to change and how much I enjoy residing in my purported comfort zone. I could claim that I can be spontaneous, but that's just another way of me saying that I like spontaneity as long as I know it's coming. That's not spontaneity. That's called control. I like a schedule and everything planned. I so desperately want to know what's going to happen because I hate worrying. Not knowing makes me worry, and it brings about anxiety.

So I come back to Matthew 6:33-34. Then there is also James 4:13-14 --

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

How true does this speak of life in general? I should make wallpapers of these verses or something so I will always see them and remember them whenever I look at my computer. Then I can remember that life is short, and it's unpredictable. Worrying is fruitless and it takes away the much needed time we have on Earth. If we could abolish pointless worrying, the accumulation of those extra minutes could make all the difference.

Right Now

You want a change
It's written on your face
You feel alone, a little out of place
You hide away the scars and the mistakes
You've been tired, uninspired
Something's got to give
Right now He knows who you are
The light in the dark
He picks up your broken heart
Right now He's telling the truth
That you will make it through
His love can rescue you right now
--"Right Now" by This Beautiful Republic

God opens doors. God closes doors. But when doors are opened, are we supposed to walk through or stay back?

That's the beauty of God's love. He gives us the power of choice. I think many in this world are obsessed with their right to choose, yet they scorn the idea of God's love. The irony is that God supports choice -- He gave us free will to come to Him, to accept Him, or to even reject Him. And it breaks His heart, but He still gives us the choice because that is true love.

Even though I'm only a junior, right now I feel like there are many decisions I have to make. I don't want to be rash or impulsive -- my emotions are right and wrong on different occasions. I don't want to over-rationalize a decision either, because immersion in logic and sensibility will only lead to indecision. This summer is an example of a decision I need to make -- what should I do? God opens doors, and He closes them. I know I must put my trust in Him, but while I know this simple truth, I still struggle to let go. Let go of my fears, my inhibitions, and my selfish desire for control.

But God has always provided. I remember last year, around this time (a little later in the month actually), was when I received numerous rejections -- from a Washington DC fellowship program, from Haas, and some companies -- and I was dejected. The Haas rejection was especially difficult, not because I desperately wanted to get in, but mainly because I felt I had wasted two years of courses for something that was ultimately defeating in the end. There were other reasons too, but none that I wish to go into right now.

Nothing is ever a waste. Ultimately, I realized that God opens and closes doors, and He closed many last year. He closed them for a reason --I was not meant to walk that path. In retrospect, I realize how ill-suited I was for Haas. Looking back, I didn't really want to go to Washington DC that summer. Rejection hurts at the moment, but everything happens for a reason.

Yesterday, I spent some quality time with my small group sisters. We went to Hannah's apartment and ate a delicious dinner. As I am currently sick (I think it's a common cold...it's been recurring though), I found the beef soup especially nourishing. I was so thankful for the fellowship and love I could share with my sisters. Afterward, a few girls studied while the rest of us watched Bella, a movie released back in 2006.

The film was heartwarming and gritty, realistic and idealistic. It was a film of contrasts. There was hope written in the film, in this story of a woman who makes a devastating discovery before being fired from her job and the man who feels compelled to counsel her. There are no blatant Hollywood elements in here -- romance was hardly considered, the characters were far from caricatures. It was simply a beautiful story of two sort-of friends in New York City, trying to deal with their personal demons and coming to terms with life.

I highly recommend it to anyone. The film apparently won numerous awards -- mostly audience favorite awards.


Letting go is beautiful
There's so much more just waiting there for you
--"Right Now" by This Beautiful Republic

New Day

It's a new day
Oh, it's a new time
And there's a new way
I'm going to live my life
All the old has passed away
And the new has come
Thank God it's a brand new day
--Avalon

I wrote a 2008 ramble/reflection not too long ago, but I feel compelled to write some New Year's resolutions in here. I can only hope that I will stick to these resolutions. I may be a realist, but maybe I'm an idealist as well. Is it possible to be both? I've always been idealistic, but I tell myself to focus on reality so my feet don't lift off the ground and my head won't get stuck in the clouds. It happens.

Romans 5:4
"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. "

Why do we make resolutions? If I choose to be cynical, I can wonder why we make resolutions because there's this high probability that we're going to fail to accomplish any of them. But like I wrote in my previous entry, I am a realist, not a cynic. It is not cynical to be realistic, and realistically speaking, there is the high chance that our resolutions will not be accomplished. But are we perfect? We're certainly not, though many people in this world wish they were, or even believe they are.

But making resolutions signifies that we are people of hope, aren't we? We hope that we can resolve our issues through these promises that a new year brings. Even when problems plague our lives, even when difficulties arise, many are secretly optimists in a world of brokenness. As long as we place our hope in Him, then we will not be disappointed. As Romans 5:4 says above, God has poured out His love onto us, and His love is patient and kind, and it never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:13
"Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1) Do my DTs consistently. When I say consistently, I mean every day. Devotional time was a concept that took a good while to get into my system. Thanks to the accountability of my leaders and small group sisters, it's integrated into my schedule, but I still struggle. Sometimes I neglect my devotionals, and I can certainly feel the difference between when I do my DT and when I don't. Reflecting in my DT journal, reading His Word, and praying are key to my spiritual walk, so I pray that I can be faithful and consistent in my DTs in this year.
2) Spend more time with my sisters. I've always valued friendship. In high school, I understood the importance of friendship because I realized that God blessed me with friends to keep me grounded in life. But I never experienced deep and true unconditional love and understanding through friendship until I became closer to my small group sisters as well as my roommate. It wasn't until 2008 that I realized how important fellowship is in a person's spiritual walk with God. God has blessed me with sisters in Christ to share my spiritual journey, and I pray that He will continue to strengthen our sisters' relationships in this new year.
3) Serve Him obediently, lovingly, and faithfully. What I mean by this resolution is that I wish to continue to serve Him not only through Acts2Fellowship Gold and Joyland, but also through my relationships with my sisters, peers, friends, and family. I hope and pray that He will grant me strength, wisdom, patience, courage, and love so that I may be a woman of character and a pillar of strength in my relationships. I pray that I may be a better daughter, sister, friend, student, and person.
4) Do my best in school. Academics is an area that I've struggled with all my life in many different ways. I remember at Junior Discipleship Retreat over the summer, one of my peers stood up and said (more or less), "God blessed us with this education at Berkeley and we should be stewards of it." How right my peer was, and how apathetic I was to this blessing! I was ashamed of my neglect, and it was a wake-up call for me to throw off my apathy and once again, be serious about school. The difference now? To not be consumed by my academics as I was before I turned to apathy for those few months. I would love to write a resolution about getting straight A's, but really...I don't think so. I'll stick with realism and maybe be a pessimist for this one.
5) Read more Christian books. I'm hoping to start the New Year by reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, which I received in the mail not too long ago. I'm also hoping to read more books to strengthen the intellectual portion of my faith, for I understand that a lot of times I'm very into feeling and not as much thinking. I am an INFJ, and my 'F' is incredibly strong. I'm looking for some balance in the foundation of my faith, and reading more Christian books to help with my intellectual (spiritual) convictions will be a good starting point. I also hope to finally read The Problem of Pain (which I've had for awhile, but had serious trouble reading it), The Abolition of Man, and reread The Four Loves (which I enjoyed reading, but seriously needs a reread).
6) Read the newspaper. I read the newspaper...sometimes. Usually I read it when I'm forced to in some way (class, parents, etc.). So I hope that I can at least skim headlines online at The New York Times web site or The Wall Street Journal site every day. While I place a secondary value on worldly knowledge, it is important to keep up with the news, especially with so much going on internationally and economically.
7) Exercise consistently. Yes, I wrote this. I need to exercise consistently because every semester, I start off with my RSF pass (and I should take advantage of its cheap price), and I go to the gym twice a week, and then what happens? Easy to guess. Last semester, I was actually pretty good with going to Abs & Back twice a week...and then midterms hit and I failed. I would like to actually continue going to the RSF, whether for the elliptical, Cardio Kickboxing, and/or Abs & Back even when midterms hit. Exercise is important and our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19)...I should take better care of mine.

So with all of these resolutions in mind...the one most important is this: to continue to grow in Him, and to be faithful to Him, to serve Him and love as He loved us first.

I'm excited for 2009. Gracepoint Live....Winter Retreat...school...fellowship...and growing closer to Him.