Come and Fill my Heart

Merry Christmas...Eve? It's still a merry Christmas nonetheless.

I mentioned yesterday how much I love Christmas. The love I have for the Christmas holiday has only increased as I've gotten older because there's this greater realization that the day is about what is important in life: love. The children fortunate enough to experience the decorations, candy canes, and presents look at Christmas with wide-eyed innocence, experiencing joy and love, but some never really take it in. How can they? When we are young, it's hard to really grasp the darkness that engulfs this world, the sins and regrets that plagues people's lives, so it's difficult to appreciate something like love.

I know that I was one of those kids who didn't take the meaning of Christmas in until she was older. Older as in...I guess late elementary school or junior high school. It saddens me to remember how wrapped up my life was in materialistic things, how it was still focused on materialism when I got older albeit in a different way. As a kid, I liked the presents, but now I'm older, I find I care little for presents. Material possessions only last for so long before they become worthless trinkets, or things that we just discard with apathy or disdain. When I became older, I became wrapped up by the future, and what the future could hold for me. It took several years for me to really grasp how empty my life was when I focused it on tangible rewards.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by family and friends. God has blessed me plenty with loving parents, a comical older brother, two awesome roommates who have seen the dark and light shades of my character, ten wonderful sisters in Christ who I have shared and grown so much with this past year, and a community filled with God's sacrificial and selfless love. And there is so much more that I'm thankful for...my high school friends, who I saw just yesterday for a Christmas party. I do miss the high school days. Contrary to how many people feel about high school, I actually enjoyed it despite my academic anxiety and materialistic focus. There were a lot of lessons to be learned in high school, and it was a period of growth. Perhaps high school was preparation for the more intense growing and maturation I would have to face in college.

When I really ponder, and not just think on a superficial level, I remember that what is most important in life is following Christ through fellowship and service. I struggle so much still to not worry about the future, and it's difficult for me to just really let go of my anxiety and to fully trust God. It reminds me of a line from the Avalon song, "Come and Fill My Heart."

"It's hard for me to die to myself,
and trust my life to someone else.
So come, empty me out,
I'm no good without You inside of me"

I recently started listening to Avalon again. I was a huge Avalon fan back in junior year in high school (as in I listened to their songs continuously), but I think I got "Avalon"-ed out since I listened to them so much. Listening to their hit songs again like "Testify to Love" and "In Not Of", I realize how differently I interpret the songs now and how the lyrics have a much greater meaning to me. Before, I was filled with joy when I thought of Christ as my Savior, but perhaps the joy lacked substance in its basis. Now, when I listen to "Come and Fill My Heart" and I hear the lyrics, "I long for the day I believe that all You say You see in me is true...", I experience something much greater in my heart as I think of Christ as my Savior and Lord. I'm reminded of my past, my shallowness, and all my shortcomings...and it's a reminder of Christ's great love for humanity.

But it's hard. It's hard to strive for goodness and love, to forgive and love unconditionally as Christ loved us. It's difficult to throw off that feeling of selfish entitlement when I'm at home and to not revert back to my old nature. And I struggle, but it's not good enough. I just fail again and again...but I trust in Him, and I hope that He will fill me my heart with love, hope, patience...

So that song, "Come and Fill My Heart" by Avalon is really a prayer for me. That is my prayer to God, that He will continue to fill my heart with His presence. And it's not just a prayer on Christmas day...but every day.

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

The First Christmas?

I have been mildly successful with my winter break goals so far. Mildly is the key word there, but I still need to purchase Mere Christianity and Shadow of the Almighty.

On Sunday, I went to Jennifer's church, Lifesong, for their Sunday worship service and their first Christmas pageant. The Christmas program was unique from other ones I've seen in that it applied a multigenerational theme. The participants were not only elementary school children (which is what I've usually seen in the past), but the youth group, young adults, and elderly participated as well. Watching the Christmas pageant made me nostalgic for those many years ago, when I was in those Christmas programs back at New Life. The pastor said that the Christmas story is for all ages, which is so true. It's not just a celebration for young kids to perform, but it is one for everybody to take part in.

I love Christmas...always have. When I was younger, it used to be for the gifts and pretty decorations. After hitting sixth or seventh grade, I understood how things like toys, clothes, and money were really of little value. The Christmas spirit encompasses love, joy peace, and hope, for the first Christmas was a celebration of Christ's birth. With the modern times comes the bane of commercialization, where every holiday or event that had some significance became imbued with a superficial and frivolous nature. Christmas with presents, Thanksgiving with turkey, Easter with eggs, and Valentine's Day with flowers...all that wonderful materialism.

But this isn't a post to rant about commercialization of certain days. If it was, I'd have plenty more rants about commercialization of days...(i.e. Mother's Day, Father's Day)

This is a pretty random post with no clear direction as to what I'm writing. And since this is a random post, on a random sidenote, I was reminded yesteray of why I dislike listening to mainstream radio. I went to the airport with my mother to pick up my brother, and on our way back, I heard several of the same songs within the span of two to three hours. But then, I don't really know most of the songs playing since it's been ages since I've really listened to mainstream radio.

On another random sidenote, my brother was watching Mamma Mia! last night since my parents rented it, and we were both appalled to hear Pierce Brosnan sing. Nothing on the actor of course, and it's not like I can sing in general, but it's extremely difficult not to laugh. After all, "SOS" by ABBA is supposed to be a somewhat serious romantic song, but of course Mamma Mia! hams it up and adds the cheesy factor majorly. But then again, I expect too much from Mamma Mia! After all, it is a musical that was structured around hit ABBA songs, so can't expect much substance in the plot.

And one more random note: my gift wrapping and craft skills need some serious work. I pity my Secret Santa. Hopefully she'll like my gift when we do Secret Santa tonight.

I'll be home for Christmas...if only in my dreams

Thursday night, after my final was done, the bathroom cleaned, and Sarah and I had raided our refrigerator for any perishable foods, I sat down with Esther and something just struck me.

"I can't believe it's been a year since our last winter break," I told her.

And I still can't believe it's been one year since the Fall 2007 semester ended. I know it sounds weird to calculate time in terms of breaks, and semesters, and that's not really how I look at time...but when I become nostalgic and I look back at the past 12 months of my life since last winter break, I am amazed at all the changes God has brought in my life.

There were incidences, good and bad, that occurred; incidences that caused me to despair (and in retrospect, I feel the despair was rather foolish) and incidences that have left me greatly perplexed. But they are just that. Those incidences (and there are many to recall) make up little markers in the chapters of our lives, and while they may bring us sadness, anger, or joy, the events still mold our character and help us to mature.

And I'm not done 'growing up' or 'maturing'...I still have a long way to go.

Coming home from Berkeley, I found myself poring over one of my favorite books of all time...A Ring of Endless Light by Madeleine L'Engle. I love that book, although there are some cliched and cheesy aspects of the plot (the protagonist confused over three guys is kind of...eh, though I think I can understand some semblance of the realism there), and I fell in love with the book when I was in eighth grade. Rereading the book again, I'm not sure why I was drawn to it initially. I couldn't exactly relate to the protagonist in terms of her family or her relationships with the characters in the book. Perhaps it was the themes of death and life that drew me in...whenever someone asks me what the book is about, I bypass the cheesy romance (though I do like the main male character, he's a complex and well-written character) for explanation and instead just say, "It's a book about how death is an affirmation of life." Because...that IS what the book is about, and it's simplistic theme (there are more complex themes layered within the pages) is one that really speaks to all ages, no matter how old or young you are, no matter how grown up or young at heart people perceive themselves to be.

I think I'm awfully fond of this book because I read it at a time where, while I could not completely relate to the protagonist in terms of her character and relationships, I was drawn to her plight of discovering light beyond the darkness. The basis of this book, apparently, was from this beautiful poem called "The World" by Henry Vaughan.


I saw Eternity the other night
Like a great Ring of pure and endless light
All calm as it was bright
And round beneath it, Time, in hours, days, years
Driven by the spheres
Like a vast shadow moved, in which the world
And all her train were hurled.


But nostalgia aside, I am looking forward to this winter break as a period of rest, relaxation, and enlightenment. And the reason for the title of my entry...I love that song. I'm not entirely sure why, but I love Amy Grant's version of this song. It's poignant and oddly heartbreaking. I never realized how mildly depressing this song could be with the lyrics "I'll be home for Christmas...if only in my dreams."

Listen to the song here. It's beautiful.

A few winter break goals...makes me wonder if I'll accomplish them since past experience has demonstrated my laziness over break:

1) Be consistent in my DTs
2) Read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
3) Read Shadow of the Almighty by Elisabeth Elliot
4) Reread I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris (very interesting book)
5) Make post-Christmas presents
6) Read a Jane Austen book (and since I've read most of them...I guess that leaves Sense & Sensibility? Though I tried reading that back in senior year and failed miserably...)
7) And of course...catch up with friends :-)

There are probably more, but I've forgotten them...

I watched this awesome miniseries this afternoon called Cranford. I'm a huge fan of period dramas (the BBC kind), and this one was no exception. I love Masterpiece Theatre's programs. Seriously, I'm glad there's no television in our apartment, but the only reason I think I would ever consider getting a television would be to keep up with BBC period dramas. Now if more movies could be like those...but they're not. I'll settle for the period dramas. :-)

1 John 1:5
"God is light, in him there is no darkness at all."